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1. Fear of being alone in the dark, of sleeping alone; nightmares (especially of rape, pursuit, threat, entrapment, blood), night
terrors
2. Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings)
3. Alienation from body—not at home in own body; failure to heed signals of body or take care of it; poor body image;
manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention; compulsive cleanliness, incl. bathing in scalding water; or, total inattention
to personal appearance or hygiene
4. Gastrointestinal problems; GYN disorders (including spontaneous vaginal infections); vaginal/internal scarring;
headaches; arthritis or joint pain; aversion to doctors (esp. gynecologists, dentists)
5. Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer; baggy clothes; failure to remove clothing even when appropriate to do so
(while swimming, bathing, sleeping); extreme requirement for privacy when using bathroom
6. Eating disorders, drug/alcohol abuse (or total abstinence); other addictions; compulsive behaviors (including compulsive
busyness)
7. Self-injury (cutting, burning, etc.) (physical pain is manageable) (this is an addictive pattern); self-destructiveness
8. Phobias, panic
9. Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad
10. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including “passive suicide”)
11. Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying
12. Anger issues: inability to recognize, own or express anger; fear of actual or imagined rage; constant anger; intense
hostility toward entire gender or ethnic group (“race”) of the perpetrator
13. Dissociation (“splitting”), depersonalization; going into shock, shutdown in crisis (stressful situation always is crisis);
psychic numbing; physical pain or numbness associated with particular memory, emotion (e.g. anger) or situation (e.g. sex)
14. Rigid control of thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity
15. Childhood hiding, hanging on, cowering in corners (security-seeking behaviors); adult nervousness over being watched
or surprised; feeling watched; startle response; hypervigilance
16. Trust issues: inability to trust (trust is not safe); absolute trust that turns to rage when disappointed; trusting
indiscriminately
17. High risk taking (“daring the fates”); inability to take risks
18. Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to
control things that don’t matter, just to control something!); power/sex confusion
19. Guilt/ shame/ low self-esteem/ feeling worthless/ high appreciation of small favors by others
20. Pattern of being a victim (victimizing oneself after being victimized by others), especially sexually; no sense of own
power or right to set limits or say “no;” pattern of relationships with much older persons (onset in adolescence); OR
exaggerated sense of entitlement; revictimization by others (adult sexual violence, including sexual exploitation by bosses
and “helping” professionals)
21. Feeling demand to “produce and be loved;” instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants;
relationships mean big tradeoffs (“love” was taken, not given)
22. Abandonment issues; desire for relationships with no separateness; avoidance/fear of intimacy
23. Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12 but may continue into adulthood), or a specific person or place
24. Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell/ fear of its being revealed; certainty that no-one would listen. Being
generally secretive. Feeling “marked” (the “scarlet letter”)
25. Feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy
worlds, relationships, or identities (esp. for women: imagining/wishing self to be male, i.e. not a victim)
26. Denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending; minimizing (“it wasn’t that bad”); having dreams or
memories (“maybe it’s my imagination”) (these are actually flashbacks, which is how recall begins); strong, deep,
“inappropriate” negative reactions to a person, place or event; “sensory flashes” (a light, a place, a physical feeling) without
any sense of their meaning; remembering surroundings but not the event. Memory may start with the least threatening event
or perpetrator. Actual details of abuse may never be fully remembered; however, much recovery is possible without
complete recall. Your inner guide will release memories at the pace you can handle.
27. Sexual issues: sex feels “dirty;” aversion to being touched, especially in GYN exam; strong aversion to (or need for)
particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one’s body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; confusion or overlapping
of affection/ sex/ dominance/ aggression/ violence; having to pursue power in sexual arena which is actually sexual acting
out (self-abuse, manipulation [esp. women]; abuse of others [esp. men]); compulsively “seductive,” or compulsively asexual;
must be sexual aggressor, or cannot be; impersonal, “promiscuous” sex with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex
in intimate relationship (conflict between sex and caring); prostitute, stripper, “sex symbol” (Marilyn Monroe), porn actress;
sexual “acting out” to meet anger or revenge needs; sexual addiction; avoidance; shutdown; crying after orgasm; all pursuit
feels like violation; sexualizing of all meaningful relationships; erotic response to abuse or anger, sexual fantasies of
dominance/ real rape (results in guilt and confusion); teenage pregnancy. Note: Homosexuality is not an “aftereffect!”
28. Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictual relationships (in true intimacy, issues are more likely to surface; in problem
relationships, focus can be shifted from real issue of incest). Note: Partner of survivor often suffers consequences of
Post-Incest Syndrome also (especially sex and relationship issues).
29. Avoidance of mirrors (connected with invisibility, shame/self-esteem issues; distorted perceptions of face or body)
30. Desire to change one’s name (to disassociate from the perpetrator or to take control through self-labeling)
31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from/ reluctance to trust happiness (“ice = thin”)
32. Aversion to noise-making (including during sex, crying, laughing, or other body functions); verbal hypervigilance
(careful monitoring of one’s words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard
33. Stealing (adults); fire-starting (children)
34. Multiple Personality “disorder” (often hidden)
35. Food sensitivities/avoidance based on texture (mayonnaise) or appearance (hot dogs), which remind the survivor of
abuse, or smell/sound which remind survivor of perpetrator; aversion to meat, red foods.
36. Compulsive honesty or compulsive dishonesty (lying)
37. Hypervigilance regarding child abuse, or inability to see child abuse, or avoidance of any awareness or mention of child
abuse; tendency to develop relationships with incest perpetrators
Letters
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I’ve read letters from a book and i have re-typed and posted them here. there is also another version of the letter for those who have been abused and have already grown up without disclosing the secret to others.
I am still not losing hope that I will be able to change myself before it’s too late… Before I ruin myself.
I am afraid that I am starting to do so… So discreet but I am…
Letter to a mother:
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I know your position is a painful and difficult one, for in many ways you are caught in the middle. You may be blaming yourself or your child for what has happened in your family. You may be feeling conflicting loyalties toward your husband and your child. You may be feeling overwhelmed trying to decided whom to protect and whom to defend. This may be the most wrenching choice you have ever made, but I hope one of the clearest. Your husband does not need your protection and defense, for he is an adult who is responsible for his behavior. Your daughter is still a child and is vulnerable and powerless without your strength and support. She needs you to comfort her and help her to heal and trust again.
But what about your needs? You may have learned well the lessons all of us women learn in subordinating our needs to the needs of others - sometimes our parents, at other times our children, but most often our husbands and other important men in our lives. We do the best we can to provide what others want from us, but all too often we sacrifice part of ourselves in the process.
Your don’t have to deal with your family problem alone. Trust your sisters and in return they can help you to trust yourself.
Letter to a young victim:
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I suppose that if you have read this far, you have found that at least parts of this book express some of the feelings and experiences you have had. Your experiences have been difficult, confusing, and perhaps painful for you, and although I cannot lessen the hurting, I hope that knowing you are not alone with your secret eases some of your pain. These pages have been written about you, but they also have been written for you, to help you feel the beginnings of strength and seek alternatives to the silence - yours and everybody else’s. I held a picture of you in my mind as i read and traveled and talked with people and wrote. It is your face that has been before me, and it is to you that I wish to speak first.
The most important thing I want to say to you is, “Please tell someone about what is happening in your house.” You do not have to carry the heavy burden and responsibility for what anyone else has done. Your secret will stop being so painful once it has been revealed. When you share your secret with someone, you join hands with another person and have the strength of two. And that is a start.
You are the only person who can decide who is the right person for you to reach out to. Think about all the people in your life and decide who is the most respectful, the most open, and the most able to help you. It may seem hard to tell your mother, but sometimes, she can be your best friend. Perhaps she won’t believe you at first, because what you have to tell her is a difficult thing for mothers to believe. She may say that you’re making it up or she may even get angry at you. But she may be willing to try to understand and help. If your mother is not the best person to tell, perhaps you can confide in a teacher, an aunt or the mother of one of your girlfriends. If not, there may be a women’s organization in your town; you can call and ask to talk with someone there. If there is a college nearby, it may have a counseling program in which you can receive help and support. Or perhaps you know a priest, minister, or rabbi who will listen and help.
The second important thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT responsible. Nobody, not even your parents, has the right to do anything to your mind or body that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. And you are right to want to put an end to it. It is your body, and you can say no without feeling guilty.
I know there are times when you cannot say no to the person who is making you feel bad because grownups don’t always listen to kids. But they do listen to other grownups, so that if you tell someone else, he or she can say no for you.
I understand that it’s scary to think about telling your secret, but even though it’s scary, it’s much more lonesome to be silent and to keep all your feelings inside you. When you hear yourself telling someone about what is happening, you have begun to make it stop. It is the first and most important step toward defining your life and how you want to live it.
Happiness
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I have a feeling that it is really you. Did she tell you that she wanted to be happy? And I’m happy that she wants me to be part of it…
Kohaku-chan, yesterday was that day. And today marks another new day. The day when everything changed.
Family
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Denial, obviously I’m facing it.
I was reading some books and I saw that no matter how I look at it, I could see myself as the victim. But then, these books tell me that faults of my family. I couldn’t really see much of a problem. These books partially blame the mother. But I couldn’t see her at fault. She’s caring and loving. I don’t see the things they call “distancing of child to he mother” because I know that we’re close!
But maybe that’s what I’m thinking. Maybe it’s part of denial. I don’t want to blame her. But I wonder how our family is dysfunctional. I thought we’re just normal; we have some problems, and stuff like that, but in the end, we’re still together.
They described the abused as a “sacrifice”. The necessary factor that binds the family together in secret. Is that really necessary? Is that my real role now? Because of this, am I parentified? Am I given too much responsibility and authority that I wok for this family like my parents?
Have I lost myself? Do I know my needs? Is my happiness of buying the things that I want the real thing that I need? Or is it just a disguise or trying to mend that hole of my real need. I don’t even know what I really need. Surely, it’s not the stuff I get or the luxuries in life I experience. I am confused now.
Do I know what I want to be when I become older? Or am I just confused that I just go on with the flow, still taking the reason of responsibility as what it will be.
I wonder if my future will be like those who never spoke. It was really weird and horrible.
Won’t I be able to love or to remain in a real love? Will I just be confused and continue looking and looking, going with the wrong persons and being miserable all my life? Is that the reason why I wanted to be dominated? Is it now part of myself to be abused? Is it now part of me to be aroused when I am abused and not taken care of?
Time
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There will never be a right timing for me to say everything…
I envy her, the person who said that she told her mother. Well, nothing will change because the perpetrator is another person. Her family will still remain intact.
But what about me? It’s not easy. There are always holes in which I could say the truth. But those were regarded as jokes.
I wanted to ask her, “What would you do if it’s true then? Will you drive him away?”
But I don’t think we can manage without him. But yeah, I want him out. I don’t want to be dependent on him. He makes me feel more helpless…
Doesn’t he even realize why I act like that in front of him? Or maybe he knows and he silently punishes me by causing more pain and self-humiliation?
Respect
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No… You can never ask me to respect him…
I do not respect people who do not respect me…
What makes you think I’ll respect the person who doesn’t respect my body and my soul?
Even if you kill me for not doing it, or if you hurt me, I will never do that.
I will never apologize…
It’s his responsibility to take care of me. It’s not my responsibility to keep myself from being harmed by him…
Someday you’ll understand…
Reason
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Do you want to know the reason why I don’t like him in our bedroom? It’s not as simple as the reasons they give…
And do you think it’s easy for me to say what that reason is?
Now, I’m starting to think that she’s like the others… I don’t want to think like that but does she even have the slightest suspicion?
Hope
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I joined a support group.
I feel a bit relieved that there are people who talk to me there.
Because even though I have my friend who can be there to listen and to understand, I am now afraid of telling this to her. Over and over. It tires her and adds up to her recent problems. I don’t want to be a burden. That’s why I don’t talk about those things in front of her anymore. That’s why I want to show happiness when I’m with her. I don’t want her to sense the real sadness.
I somewhat feel awkward when I talk to these people. I always apologize for always telling them my problem, always telling them how this affects my way of thinking and my emotions. I sometimes thought that they are like her. That they would leave me and ignore me if I keep on asking them about these things. You know that I don’t have a lot of friends, Kohaku-chan. I have internet friends but they’re not as close. I don’t want them to see me personally. I don’t want to be around people… But I kinda feel happy that they accept me, these people. I kinda feel fine that they tell me it’s okay if I vent out my hidden emotions.
They’er trying to give me strength. I hope I would have the strength, Kohaku-chan… I want to fight him.
